I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
So Hamburger help me, God
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.