Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
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Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.