Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

doing your own taxes

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.