I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My beach vacation Google searches
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.