My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Poetry is my passion
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
This headline is a thing of beauty
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke