i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats

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Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:


Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer


1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.

He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”

So are the days of our lives.


I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.


Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.


GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad


god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up


I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.


Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes


6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh