i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats

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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.


I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.


Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.


All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.


gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die


[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table


Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.


I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.