@SINGING_GHOSTS

i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats

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@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@Tuna_Lover

I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

@robotmouthfarts

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

@vexroid

All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.

@InternetHippo

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

@rebrafsim

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

@Try2StopME

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

@BruceForce

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.