Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
want me to check your oil?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though