Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.