Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…