Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

🤣

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were