I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me to a random balloon on the ground🎈: What’s wrong little fella? Did you lose your clown?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.