I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol