I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
👾👾👾
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.