i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
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Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”