i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.