i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.