i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
You Might Also Like
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
#JohnTravolta
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away