I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Had an epiphany today.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.