Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs