Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

no their not

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees