I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
handsome & gretel
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.