I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.