Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

But is it really??

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again