I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.