I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
How about daylight saves us for once
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.