I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.