Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!