Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

I would like even faster food.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!