i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*