i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”