I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.