I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine