I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing