I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Artwork by Herta Burbe
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.