I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Brother?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle