Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

Me irl

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

He has no idea 🤡

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea