Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Who wants to be my Valentine?

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.