Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.