Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

barbara was highly relatable

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

A drum solo but on your face.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before