I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
You Might Also Like
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.