I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
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My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*