I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
my retirement plan is braless