I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Voting is the worst group project
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.