I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
sistine chapel
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.