Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

🖕🏻👽