Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

lmfao come on

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*