I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Software Development ⛵️
R.I.P.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
