I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
just witnessed a drug deal
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
This was the best day of my life
If you weren鈥檛 supposed to stab people then they wouldn鈥檛 have been made so squishy.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat鈥檚 house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 馃檭 she鈥檚 back inside indefinitely
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”