I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
You Might Also Like
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
