Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

mom gave me mine for free

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

This is sending me to another galaxy

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar