Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*