I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
WHO DID THIS?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl