I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.

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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids


Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor


Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu


*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate


I’m the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.


Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.


Pharmacist: Don’t take this while driving and make sure you eat-
*crushes pill and snorts off the counter*


“Ewww how’d that get in the house? I don’t wanna kill it. I’ll just put it outside”

*scoops your baby up in a tissue*