People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.