Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

groan^2

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.