I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”