I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Pot warmers of the day.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby