Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.