I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It