I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.


If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.


“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”


Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?


Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.


It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity


Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail


if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised


My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.


[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head