If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head