Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.