I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
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If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
God has left this place
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The French cow says MEUX…
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Children of the corn 🌽
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.