I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”