Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.