Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?