Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

When you’re Kinky but poor

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.