Employees must applaud the planets.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol
If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.