I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.


5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now


I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.


Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web



Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.


*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*


“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol


If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.