I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
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unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.