Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*squishes it with shoe*
Me: Not that one.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.