@Browtweaten

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

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@dksc4life

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

@kumailn

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@SCbchbum

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

@missmayn

Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.

@954LeenO

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

@awesomeseank

Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.

@UncleDuke1969

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

@MissHavisham

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.