I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
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My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Just me and my debit card against the world
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.